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Loss and Grief

OK kids, strap in, this is shaping to be a long personal post.  In fact it has taken me several weeks tor write it.  I will warn you up front that a good bit of the post will deal with the recent death of my Grandmother.  If you lost someone recently, this might be a tough one to read, but it might be helpful to read.  That is a call you will have to make.  I'll put a link in that will jump right past the sad bit, to a happy bit at the end.

Before we get any farther down in the dumps let's talk about something happy and good.  Let's talk about helping kids and playing games.  Let's talk about Extra Life.  This is always one of my favorite days of the year because it combines to thing I love, playing games and helping.  This year was my most successful year on both those fronts.

For those unfamiliar Extra Life is a 24 hour gaming marathon, where the participants play games (table top, video, card or anything else you can call a game) for the allotted time and get people to sponsors them, just like the running kind of marathons.  All of the money is donated to the children's hospital of your choice via the Children's Miracle Network.  For the 5^th year in a row I raid money for Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.

Once again I was able to both stay up the promised 24 hours and I was able to beat my goal.  Every year I challenge myself to rise a little bit more than in years past.  My goal was $1000 and thanks to some very generous friends, when all of the donations and matching donations for place of work come in, I will have raised $1,385 for the kids.  If you are kicking yourself because for some reason you didn't see any of my insist tweets or Facebook posts about this, I can still accept donations until the end of December, for more details click the following link.  http://www.extra-life.org/participant/TMitchell

Thank you to everyone who donated.  I really cannot express in words how much this means to me.

Now on the fun stuff, the games.  My girlfriend, who was right there with me for a good 19- 20 hours of gaming, and I played the following games:

1.       Kingdome of Loathing

2.       Hearthstone

3.       Legendary

4.       Lego Marvel Heroes

5.       Dust

6.       Castel Crashers

7.       Lego Batman 2

8.       Carcassonne

9.       Elder Sign

Of those games, the one I played the most was Lego Marvel Heroes.  Over the course of the day I went from having completed 72% of the game to 99% (I topped it off to 100% a few days later by finding the Taskmaster unlock token). That game is amazingly fun and funny.  There is something immensely satisfying about being the Hulk and just smashing, well, everything.  Plus as a big Marvel Zombie, I got a kick out of unlocking all of the characters.

OK, the next day is when the fun times end and thing got sad.  If you rather not hear about it, click HERE and read about making comics.

Rose went to be around 4am and I followed her little after 8am.  I have never really been able to sleep while it's light.  Even with light blocking curtains, the sun was mighty powerful that day.  We got up around 12 or so.  After futzing around the house a bit, we decided that we are going to run some errands up at a mall we don't normally go to.  We're just about ready to leave, when I get a phone call from my Father.  While I was having fun playing games on Saturday, my Grandmother fell in her home and hit her head.  She called my Uncle Jim, saying she had bad head ache.  It was clear once he got there that she was not OK and he calls an ambulance almost as soon as he arrived.  According to the doctors, the bleeding was so bad, it wouldn't have mattered if he had call as soon as she fell, the Damage was done.  They put her on Oxygen and medication to make her comfortable.

At this point, we all knew that she was gone.  All that was left to was to wait for her body to winded down and stop.  You will have to forgive me the next few days are a bit foggy in my mind.  I wasn't really present in my life.  While I can' remember much of what I did, but I remember what I felt and what I felt was helpless.  There was absolutely nothing I could do; there was no way for me to help.  My Grandmother was gone, her body dying in a small ICU.  I could have gone up there, I could have visited her, but like I said, she was gone.  I would have liked to be there for my Mom and my Aunts and Uncle but ICU are small and I would have just been in the way.  Because I didn't know what to do or what to say.  I could barely keep it together myself.

Thank goodness for Rose.  She was there to be a shoulder to cry on, to listen to me when I need to talk and to distract me when I need to talk about anything but what was happening.  I'm incredibly lucky to have someone in my life who's so caring and kind.

I had already plan to take Monday off to recover from being up for 27 hours.  I distracted myself with games when I could and cried when I couldn't.  I started the long road that I walk now, the road of letting go someone who is close to you.  For 35 years she was part of my life and now she is gone.  I'm slowly fighting through the guilt of not making the time to see her more.  The sad truth is that I could have spent all of my free time with her and it still would not have been enough, there is never enough time for the ones we love.  We live our lives in a state of disbelief that it won't end, that we do have time for everything.  It’s the only way we can plan for the future and enjoy the now, by ignoring the specter of the undiscovered country that defines our existence.  That is the other thing that we lose when someone we love dies, we lose that illusion.  The lie that we tell ourselves, that we will have more time with the ones we love.  Part of the grieving process rebuilding is rebuilding the illusion that we have countless tomorrows.

As you can probably guess I was a mess at work the next day and luckily had therapy that night and was scheduled to play a board game at friend's house afterwards.  All through work my only goal was to get to the next thing.  I assume I was able to get something done, but I really can't say.

It was that Wednesday when I found out.  My father work for the same company I do, but in a different division.  He came by to tell me that my Grandmother had passed away late Tuesday night.  We talk a little bit about what happened but he had a meeting to go to as most of the people he worked with were out at training and it was a bit of mad out.  Later that day I was able to catch up with him in the kitchen at work.  There he was able to fill me in on some of the details as to when my aunt and uncle hope to schedule the viewing and funeral.  I was able to hold it together because we talked in very practical terms of times and date.  It was more like we were scheduling a time to drop a car off for inspection than saying goodbye to a loved one.  That is exactly what I need at the moment. 

A well-meaning co-worker came into the room while we were talking and interject themselves into our conversation.  This person started to ask also sort of question about what happened and what she had been like.  They were talking about my Grandmother like she was a real person, you I loved and cared for, not knowing that disassociating from this fact was the only reasons I was able to keep it together.  I freaked out an started just sobbing.  Then I just left.  I left the room. I left message for my boss and I left the office not even waiting for reply from my boss.  I just got into the car and drove away.  I ran some earns and wandered numbly around.

I had a nice respite from grief that weekend at a friend's Halloween party

Sunday we had the viewing Sunday.  It was nice to see relatives that I had not seen in a while, other than that the whole event was kind of surreal.  I was the first one to arrive at the funeral home.  There was a guy smoking out front as I walked up.  He asked if I was one of the grandkids.  I shook my head yes.  Then he says "It's a hell of a thing."  I quietly started to respond, when he said "You know we cleared all these leaves out this morning, now look at it, parking lots cover with them again."  I nearly punched him in the face.  Instead I simple said I would wait in my car till more people arrived, declining his offer to wait inside.

That was the last thing I wanted to do, be alone in a room with my grandmothers body.  I know I could not have handled it.  I did however handle most of the viewing well.  I was able to keep it together for the most part, my voice just cracking here and there.  Water constantly at the edge of my eyes, threating, but not breaking the dam of will I constructed. 

Not until the end that is.  I was saying my good bye and how I would see everyone the next day for the funeral and burial.  I was halfway to car when My aunt Diane called me back into the funeral home.  She ask if I would be pallbearer.  She said it was what my Gandmother had wanted.  My will faded like wisps of smoke on the wind.  I sobbed.  I don't know why but I have always had problem with people being kind to me.  It makes me very emotional.  And being asked to be a pallbearer meant so much to me and was such a kind thing to do, I couldn't handle it.  After hugging a crying for a good bit I made my way out.

The next morning was the funeral and a nice lunch in for us afterwards.  And that what a funeral is it's for us.  The ones that are dealing with the loss, so I'm not going to go into any details other than to say it was very moving I was able to keep it together while performing my duties as a pallbearer.

It did make me think about how personal and public saying good bye to the ones we love is.  We have these events and construct monument to the dead for everyone to see, but they are really just for the one we lost.  It's our way of helping them make one more permanent mark on the world.  That they will live on and not be forgotten.

One thing that has help me is a lot is the song Lost by Amanda Palmer & the Grand Theft Orchestra.  I listened to that album a lot over that weekend and the following weeks.  It was the end refrain that I want to leave you with before I move on to happier topics.

" No one's ever lost forever
When they die they go away
But they will visit you occasionally
Do not be afraid

No one's ever lost forever
They are caught inside your heart
If you garden them and water them
They make you what you are"