OK kids, strap in, this is shaping to be a long personal
post. In fact it has taken me several
weeks tor write it. I will warn you up
front that a good bit of the post will deal with the recent death of my
Grandmother. If you lost someone
recently, this might be a tough one to read, but it might be helpful to
read. That is a call you will have to
make. I'll put a link in that will jump
right past the sad bit, to a happy bit at the end.
Before we get any farther down in the dumps let's talk about
something happy and good. Let's talk
about helping kids and playing games.
Let's talk about Extra Life.
This is always one of my favorite days of the year because it combines
to thing I love, playing games and helping.
This year was my most successful year on both those fronts.
For those unfamiliar Extra Life is a 24 hour gaming
marathon, where the participants play games (table top, video, card or anything
else you can call a game) for the allotted time and get people to sponsors them,
just like the running kind of marathons.
All of the money is donated to the children's hospital of your choice
via the Children's Miracle Network. For
the 5th year in a row I raid money for Children's Hospital of
Philadelphia.
Once again I was able to both stay up the promised 24 hours
and I was able to beat my goal. Every
year I challenge myself to rise a little bit more than in years past. My goal was $1000 and thanks to some very
generous friends, when all of the donations and matching donations for place of
work come in, I will have raised $1,385 for the kids. If you are kicking yourself because for some reason you didn't
see any of my insist tweets or Facebook posts about this, I can still accept
donations until the end of December, for more details click the following
link.
http://www.extra-life.org/participant/TMitchellThank you to
everyone who donated. I really cannot
express in words how much this means to me.Now on the fun
stuff, the games. My girlfriend, who
was right there with me for a good 19- 20 hours of gaming, and I played the
following games:2.
Hearthstone3.
Legendary4.
Lego Marvel Heroes5.
Dust6.
Castel Crashers7.
Lego Batman 28.
Carcassonne9.
Elder Sign
Of those games, the one I played the most was Lego Marvel
Heroes. Over the course of the day I
went from having completed 72% of the game to 99% (I topped it off to 100% a
few days later by finding the Taskmaster unlock token). That game is amazingly
fun and funny. There is something
immensely satisfying about being the Hulk and just smashing, well,
everything. Plus as a big Marvel
Zombie, I got a kick out of unlocking all of the characters.
OK, the next day is when the fun times end and thing got
sad. If you rather not hear about it,
click HERE and read about making comics.
Rose went to be around 4am and I followed her little after
8am. I have never really been able to
sleep while it's light. Even with light
blocking curtains, the sun was mighty powerful that day. We got up around 12 or so. After futzing around the house a bit, we
decided that we are going to run some errands up at a mall we don't normally go
to. We're just about ready to leave,
when I get a phone call from my Father.
While I was having fun playing games on Saturday, my Grandmother fell in
her home and hit her head. She called
my Uncle Jim, saying she had bad head ache.
It was clear once he got there that she was not OK and he calls an
ambulance almost as soon as he arrived.
According to the doctors, the bleeding was so bad, it wouldn't have
mattered if he had call as soon as she fell, the Damage was done. They put her on Oxygen and medication to
make her comfortable.
At this point, we all knew that she was gone. All that was left to was to wait for her
body to winded down and stop. You will
have to forgive me the next few days are a bit foggy in my mind. I wasn't really present in my life. While I can' remember much of what I did,
but I remember what I felt and what I felt was helpless. There was absolutely nothing I could do;
there was no way for me to help. My
Grandmother was gone, her body dying in a small ICU. I could have gone up there, I could have visited her, but like I
said, she was gone. I would have liked
to be there for my Mom and my Aunts and Uncle but ICU are small and I would
have just been in the way. Because I didn't
know what to do or what to say. I could
barely keep it together myself.
Thank goodness for Rose.
She was there to be a shoulder to cry on, to listen to me when I need to
talk and to distract me when I need to talk about anything but what was
happening. I'm incredibly lucky to have
someone in my life who's so caring and kind.
I had already plan to take Monday off to recover from being
up for 27 hours. I distracted myself
with games when I could and cried when I couldn't. I started the long road that I walk now, the road of letting go
someone who is close to you. For 35
years she was part of my life and now she is gone. I'm slowly fighting through the guilt of not making the time to
see her more. The sad truth is that I
could have spent all of my free time with her and it still would not have been
enough, there is never enough time for the ones we love. We live our lives in a state of disbelief
that it won't end, that we do have time for everything. It’s the only way we can plan for the future
and enjoy the now, by ignoring the specter of the undiscovered country that
defines our existence. That is the
other thing that we lose when someone we love dies, we lose that illusion. The lie that we tell ourselves, that we will
have more time with the ones we love.
Part of the grieving process rebuilding is rebuilding the illusion that
we have countless tomorrows.
As you can probably guess I was a mess at work the next day
and luckily had therapy that night and was scheduled to play a board game at
friend's house afterwards. All through
work my only goal was to get to the next thing. I assume I was able to get something done, but I really can't
say.
It was that Wednesday when I found out. My father work for the same company I do, but
in a different division. He came by to
tell me that my Grandmother had passed away late Tuesday night. We talk a little bit about what happened but
he had a meeting to go to as most of the people he worked with were out at
training and it was a bit of mad out.
Later that day I was able to catch up with him in the kitchen at
work. There he was able to fill me in
on some of the details as to when my aunt and uncle hope to schedule the
viewing and funeral. I was able to hold
it together because we talked in very practical terms of times and date. It was more like we were scheduling a time
to drop a car off for inspection than saying goodbye to a loved one. That is exactly what I need at the
moment.
A well-meaning co-worker came into the room while we were
talking and interject themselves into our conversation. This person started to ask also sort of
question about what happened and what she had been like. They were talking about my Grandmother like
she was a real person, you I loved and cared for, not knowing that
disassociating from this fact was the only reasons I was able to keep it together. I freaked out an started just sobbing. Then I just left. I left the room. I left message for my boss and I left the office
not even waiting for reply from my boss.
I just got into the car and drove away.
I ran some earns and wandered numbly around.
I had a nice respite from grief that weekend at a friend's
Halloween party
Sunday we had the viewing Sunday. It was nice to see relatives that I had not seen in a while,
other than that the whole event was kind of surreal. I was the first one to arrive at the funeral home. There was a guy smoking out front as I
walked up. He asked if I was one of the
grandkids. I shook my head yes. Then he says "It's a hell of a
thing." I quietly started to
respond, when he said "You know we cleared all these leaves out this
morning, now look at it, parking lots cover with them again." I nearly punched him in the face. Instead I simple said I would wait in my car
till more people arrived, declining his offer to wait inside.
That was the last thing I wanted to do, be alone in a room
with my grandmothers body. I know I
could not have handled it. I did
however handle most of the viewing well.
I was able to keep it together for the most part, my voice just cracking
here and there. Water constantly at the
edge of my eyes, threating, but not breaking the dam of will I
constructed.
Not until the end that is.
I was saying my good bye and how I would see everyone the next day for
the funeral and burial. I was halfway
to car when My aunt Diane called me back into the funeral home. She ask if I would be pallbearer. She said it was what my Gandmother had
wanted. My will faded like wisps of
smoke on the wind. I sobbed. I don't know why but I have always had
problem with people being kind to me.
It makes me very emotional. And
being asked to be a pallbearer meant so much to me and was such a kind thing to
do, I couldn't handle it. After hugging
a crying for a good bit I made my way out.
The next morning was the funeral and a nice lunch in for us
afterwards. And that what a funeral is
it's for us. The ones that are dealing
with the loss, so I'm not going to go into any details other than to say it was
very moving I was able to keep it together while performing my duties as a
pallbearer.
It did make me think about how personal and public saying
good bye to the ones we love is. We
have these events and construct monument to the dead for everyone to see, but
they are really just for the one we lost.
It's our way of helping them make one more permanent mark on the
world. That they will live on and not
be forgotten.
One thing that has help me is a lot is the song Lost by
Amanda Palmer & the Grand Theft Orchestra.
I listened to that album a lot over that weekend and the following
weeks. It was the end refrain that I
want to leave you with before I move on to happier topics.
" No one's ever lost forever
When they die they go away
But they will visit you occasionally
Do not be afraid
When they die they go away
But they will visit you occasionally
Do not be afraid
No one's ever lost forever
They are caught inside your heart
If you garden them and water them
They make you what you are"
Until next time, spend your time with the one you love while
they're with you, because they are truly who make you who you are and keep
making things. Make your mark with the
time we have, for it's rarely as much as we would like.
T.
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